Well, slow, yes, steady not so much.
My house is a maze of not-quite-finished projects that were interrupted by various surgeries over the years. They all bother me, but chief among the unfinished projects is the kitchen, which was done years ago except for the backsplash and cabinet filler strips. The backsplash is something I could do myself, mostly, but the cabinets were not quite square.
So, I pushed my husband into rehanging them correctly. Not just because they drive me crazy, but also because I know that he is always happier when he is working on something. Unfortunately, this project is going very, very slowly. He has taken down 3 and rehung 2 over the space of about a week.
I am trying hard to walk the line between patience and pushing him to do something I know will make him happier. Part of the problem is that I know he does have real pain, but I also know that he has a tendency to use his pain to avoid doing things that are hard. It would be easy for me to assume that all his complaints are malingering, and it would be possible that I would be right. However, it would also be very likely that I would be wrong.
These delays are more than just annoying, though, the cabinets being down have made it difficult to cook, difficult to wash dishes, difficult to feed the dogs even, depending on where the cabinets are. That means we are eating out, which isn't great for health or wallets. I'm also really concerned with the damage that could be done while they are out. We have three dogs that can be rambunctious and knock things over. There is also water in the kitchen, splashed while doing dishes, splashed from the dogs bowl, or just spilled.
Someday, the cabinets will be rehung, and then I can get to work on that backsplash!
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Birthday
We celebrated Doc's birthday tonight, even though it's actually tomorrow. He asked us not to get him any presents, but my daughter bought him a new TV to replace the old one in our room. If you read my post on TVs, you know how I feel about that, but I'm glad she did it. The one he has now is pretty awful; it's an older one, from just before flat screens popped up everywhere. The DVD player doesn't work in it, so he uses his computer to watch movies, and there's no way to connect Netflix or Hulu or anything like that. It will be his most used birthday present ever, I'm sure.
We used to always go out for a huge dinner on birthdays, and I would try to make a beautiful cake, and we'd get home and nobody would want to eat the cake because they were stuffed from dinner. For a little while, we tried to do birthday lunches instead, but now that some of the kids are working during the day, that doesn't work well. Tonight we ordered Chinese and since his birthday is on Pi Day, I made a peanut butter ice cream pie, and bought the Key lime pie that was on sale at Publix, just because I love it.
Since tomorrow is his actual birthday, and most of the kids will be gone, that will be our time together to do something a little more romantic.
We used to always go out for a huge dinner on birthdays, and I would try to make a beautiful cake, and we'd get home and nobody would want to eat the cake because they were stuffed from dinner. For a little while, we tried to do birthday lunches instead, but now that some of the kids are working during the day, that doesn't work well. Tonight we ordered Chinese and since his birthday is on Pi Day, I made a peanut butter ice cream pie, and bought the Key lime pie that was on sale at Publix, just because I love it.
Since tomorrow is his actual birthday, and most of the kids will be gone, that will be our time together to do something a little more romantic.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Wisdom?
It's a funny thing, when I started this blog, I expected to learn so much about how to be a good wife to an amputee that I would have all kinds of wisdom to share with my readers. It turns out, I don't feel much wiser at all. And I'm not sure that I'm a good wife most of the time. Still, I do have some things to share with you that apply mostly to leg amputees.
1) Try to keep the dogs out of the way when your spouse is on crutches. Dogs have a tendency to freak out over crutches, even after living with them for years, and some dogs will act like squirrels in front of a car, running back and forth. This increases the likelihood of your spouse tripping over them and hurting something else.
2) It's nice to open doors for people on crutches, but once you've done the opening, the crutches make great door stops.
3) Carrying hot coffee is nearly impossible on crutches, so you probably don't want to ask your spouse to pick you up a cup of Starbucks unless they are wearing their leg.
4) Walking with the leg on is hard work. It requires a lot more effort than walking on a real leg, even if that leg is mangled.
5) At the grocery store, let your spouse push the cart if they are wearing their leg. It acts as a walker, helping with balance and preventing them from falling.
6) The leg will ALWAYS be doing something weird, like falling off when they stand from sitting, twisting around a bit when they are walking, slipping into an uncomfortable position, etc.
7) Your spouse has no feeling in the prosthesis. This means that they can step on your toes and stand on them without ever realizing it. Try to tell them nicely to get off your toes rather than instinctively pushing them off.
So there you have it, the sum total of my wisdom of being married to an amputee. If you have anything to add, please let me know. I really need to get a little wiser!
1) Try to keep the dogs out of the way when your spouse is on crutches. Dogs have a tendency to freak out over crutches, even after living with them for years, and some dogs will act like squirrels in front of a car, running back and forth. This increases the likelihood of your spouse tripping over them and hurting something else.
2) It's nice to open doors for people on crutches, but once you've done the opening, the crutches make great door stops.
3) Carrying hot coffee is nearly impossible on crutches, so you probably don't want to ask your spouse to pick you up a cup of Starbucks unless they are wearing their leg.
4) Walking with the leg on is hard work. It requires a lot more effort than walking on a real leg, even if that leg is mangled.
5) At the grocery store, let your spouse push the cart if they are wearing their leg. It acts as a walker, helping with balance and preventing them from falling.
6) The leg will ALWAYS be doing something weird, like falling off when they stand from sitting, twisting around a bit when they are walking, slipping into an uncomfortable position, etc.
7) Your spouse has no feeling in the prosthesis. This means that they can step on your toes and stand on them without ever realizing it. Try to tell them nicely to get off your toes rather than instinctively pushing them off.
So there you have it, the sum total of my wisdom of being married to an amputee. If you have anything to add, please let me know. I really need to get a little wiser!
Sunday, March 8, 2015
The TV
I have never been much of a TV watcher. People sometimes view this as a sign of cultural snobbery, but I just have never liked to watch it much. There is something about the electronic voices that don't work with my ears, and I have never been great at sitting still. When I do watch, it is likely to be either as a social activity, i.e., the whole family is watching something, or an experience in train wrecks. Stuff that just seems too awful to believe will catch my eye and I will end up watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, or something like that. For years I would try to not even own a TV, but people kept giving them to me because they couldn't believe I didn't want one.
Doc loves TV. He keeps it on all the time. He reads while it is on, or plays on the computer, or knits, or just sits and watches it. A few years ago, in time for the Superbowl, I went and bought a nice, fairly large TV for the living room. I bought him a recliner that he said was comfortable, even though I hate it and it looks awful in our living room. Everything is all set up for him to enjoy.
He never uses the TV. He never sits in the chair. Instead, he sits in bed and watches the TV in the bedroom. I HATE having a TV in the bedroom at all, but I relented because it meant so much to him and because there have been times when he couldn't get out of bed for extended periods of time. I thought he needed the entertainment and distraction from pain.
I wish I hadn't. I wish I had stuck to my guns and never let the thing in my room. Not only does he keep it on way too late, making it impossible for me to sleep, but he also never leaves the room. He is no longer part of the family in any real way, except as the bill payer. That is not what I ever wanted. When we first married, we would play games together, cook together, and take care of the kids together. He used to make their lunches, pick them up after school, do work around the house. Now he sits and watches TV. He never knows where the kids are, where the groceries are, or how to find the pot or pan he would need if he were going to cook. He does always know where the remote is.
Of course many things are harder for him than they used to be. That is part of the reason he doesn't do as much, but I think the TV really keeps him from participating in life. It is too easy to turn it on, stay in bed, and watch someone else's life flash by.
Doc loves TV. He keeps it on all the time. He reads while it is on, or plays on the computer, or knits, or just sits and watches it. A few years ago, in time for the Superbowl, I went and bought a nice, fairly large TV for the living room. I bought him a recliner that he said was comfortable, even though I hate it and it looks awful in our living room. Everything is all set up for him to enjoy.
He never uses the TV. He never sits in the chair. Instead, he sits in bed and watches the TV in the bedroom. I HATE having a TV in the bedroom at all, but I relented because it meant so much to him and because there have been times when he couldn't get out of bed for extended periods of time. I thought he needed the entertainment and distraction from pain.
I wish I hadn't. I wish I had stuck to my guns and never let the thing in my room. Not only does he keep it on way too late, making it impossible for me to sleep, but he also never leaves the room. He is no longer part of the family in any real way, except as the bill payer. That is not what I ever wanted. When we first married, we would play games together, cook together, and take care of the kids together. He used to make their lunches, pick them up after school, do work around the house. Now he sits and watches TV. He never knows where the kids are, where the groceries are, or how to find the pot or pan he would need if he were going to cook. He does always know where the remote is.
Of course many things are harder for him than they used to be. That is part of the reason he doesn't do as much, but I think the TV really keeps him from participating in life. It is too easy to turn it on, stay in bed, and watch someone else's life flash by.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
The Stump
Four years ago, apparently what loomed large in my mind was the stump, what it would look like, what it would be like, and how I would deal with it. Part of all marriages is physical attraction, and for most people, stumps are just not attractive.
I should probably mention that his leg was ugly to begin with. The accident that ruined it happened long before I knew him, so I have always known him as a man with an ugly leg. That never kept me from loving him, and I knew that the stump would not, either. But still, my reaction to it worried me. Would I gasp when I saw it and hurt his feelings?
In the early days, I did all I could to avoid it, to avoid seeing it or even thinking about it. I had to help with bandage changes, and as long as I focused on the wound and not the limb, I could handle it. It made me laugh that after all my years of avoiding the medical field, I had become someone's personal nurse. It has never been the gore that bothered me about medicine, it is the caring, and since I already did care, I could handle the duties.
It took me a while to actually look at the stump without focusing just on wound care. When I did, my worst fears were confirmed. It was ugly. To me, it looked like a ham attached to my husband, but a ham that could move. The way it moves offends my sensibilities, as if it is something from a horror movie. The other end of Thing, perhaps.
At the same time, looking at it confirmed that I could handle it. As ugly as it is, I have never looked at him and been horrified that he no longer has a leg. He is still Doc, still my husband.
I should probably mention that his leg was ugly to begin with. The accident that ruined it happened long before I knew him, so I have always known him as a man with an ugly leg. That never kept me from loving him, and I knew that the stump would not, either. But still, my reaction to it worried me. Would I gasp when I saw it and hurt his feelings?
In the early days, I did all I could to avoid it, to avoid seeing it or even thinking about it. I had to help with bandage changes, and as long as I focused on the wound and not the limb, I could handle it. It made me laugh that after all my years of avoiding the medical field, I had become someone's personal nurse. It has never been the gore that bothered me about medicine, it is the caring, and since I already did care, I could handle the duties.
It took me a while to actually look at the stump without focusing just on wound care. When I did, my worst fears were confirmed. It was ugly. To me, it looked like a ham attached to my husband, but a ham that could move. The way it moves offends my sensibilities, as if it is something from a horror movie. The other end of Thing, perhaps.
At the same time, looking at it confirmed that I could handle it. As ugly as it is, I have never looked at him and been horrified that he no longer has a leg. He is still Doc, still my husband.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Endings
For the last year and a half, I have worked with a wonderful group of people as a Realtor. I love the company. I love showing houses. Unfortunately, I am not as good at selling them as I am showing them, so I have made very little money at this endeavor. After much discussion, with another fee quickly coming due, I decided it was time for me to quit.
Tonight I signed the papers to make it official. Rather than the flood of relief I expected, I feel deeply sad. This company is one of the best I have ever worked at, filled with people who help each other and who truly enjoy what they do. That's a hard thing to find in a workplace, and apparently especially rare in Real Estate.
Now I am onto other things. My husband worries that we will not have enough money for me not to work in a paying job, but I haven't been paid in months. It is time for me to focus on the creative things I love to do, and hope to make a career of them. That's a luxury I have waited a long time for, but jumping in terrifies me. This isn't a job with a clear-cut description. I have to figure out myself how much time to spend writing, photographing, attempting to paint, and trying to get my work seen. It's going to be tough to balance it all.
I wish I could say my husband was completely on board with this. He isn't. On the one hand, he says very supportive things about my talent, and agrees that this is a logical step, but on the other hand, he tells me of the financial ruin that is about to befall us. There is a fear nagging him that he will find himself in poverty, and I don't know how to calm those fears. I have registered with a temp agency, that I hope will find me a little work here and there while I'm working on my not-yet-paying projects. Maybe that will help him feel more secure. It could also pay for printing and framing my photos.
Of course, my biggest hope is that my work will begin to pay off quickly and I won't have time for temp agencies and financial worries anymore.
Tonight I signed the papers to make it official. Rather than the flood of relief I expected, I feel deeply sad. This company is one of the best I have ever worked at, filled with people who help each other and who truly enjoy what they do. That's a hard thing to find in a workplace, and apparently especially rare in Real Estate.
Now I am onto other things. My husband worries that we will not have enough money for me not to work in a paying job, but I haven't been paid in months. It is time for me to focus on the creative things I love to do, and hope to make a career of them. That's a luxury I have waited a long time for, but jumping in terrifies me. This isn't a job with a clear-cut description. I have to figure out myself how much time to spend writing, photographing, attempting to paint, and trying to get my work seen. It's going to be tough to balance it all.
I wish I could say my husband was completely on board with this. He isn't. On the one hand, he says very supportive things about my talent, and agrees that this is a logical step, but on the other hand, he tells me of the financial ruin that is about to befall us. There is a fear nagging him that he will find himself in poverty, and I don't know how to calm those fears. I have registered with a temp agency, that I hope will find me a little work here and there while I'm working on my not-yet-paying projects. Maybe that will help him feel more secure. It could also pay for printing and framing my photos.
Of course, my biggest hope is that my work will begin to pay off quickly and I won't have time for temp agencies and financial worries anymore.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Anniversary
It was four years ago yesterday that my husband went in for surgery to have his leg removed. There was nothing easy about the decision, but then, there had been nothing easy about keeping the leg that had been mangled in a motorcycle accident more than 30 years earlier. The timing was horrible for me; I was in my last semester of getting my Masters in Architecture at the University of Florida, a grueling program that required long hours and complete dedication. However, I could hardly ask my husband to wait after all the pain he had been in since the last failed knee surgery.
We went into it knowing that I would likely have to put off my graduation for another semester. I informed my advisers that I might have a difficult time finishing on time, which was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My whole life, I have been proud of always doing everything on time, or even early. I hate the idea of being late, or spending more time finishing something than I have to. However, I had experience with working on my degree during previous surgeries, and I knew that this would be the hardest one yet.
My husband went through counseling to ensure that he would be ready to take this step. There have been a lot of negative news stories about the VA lately, but there are things they are very good at, and they have a lot of experience with losing limbs. It is entirely possible that he did not listen as well as he could have to the counseling, but he was ready for this. If only there had been some counseling for the rest of his family. Perhaps I should have sought some out for me and the kids, but I really had very little time to even think about it.
The surgery itself went fairly smoothly. The initial recovery went smoothly, although as I thought, it was impossible for me to keep up with my thesis work, and I did put off my graduation.
Now, four years later, it seems like we have littered those years with broken dreams. I have a degree, but still no job as an architect; he has made little progress in his desire to run a marathon.
Still, I think we are better off for it all. Those dreams may never come true, but we are infinitely adaptable in our dreams. The dream that has come true is that he is able to go about his day in less pain. His shoulders don't ache all the time, his back is not as constantly in spasm, and he has no more pain in that knee at all.
We went into it knowing that I would likely have to put off my graduation for another semester. I informed my advisers that I might have a difficult time finishing on time, which was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My whole life, I have been proud of always doing everything on time, or even early. I hate the idea of being late, or spending more time finishing something than I have to. However, I had experience with working on my degree during previous surgeries, and I knew that this would be the hardest one yet.
My husband went through counseling to ensure that he would be ready to take this step. There have been a lot of negative news stories about the VA lately, but there are things they are very good at, and they have a lot of experience with losing limbs. It is entirely possible that he did not listen as well as he could have to the counseling, but he was ready for this. If only there had been some counseling for the rest of his family. Perhaps I should have sought some out for me and the kids, but I really had very little time to even think about it.
The surgery itself went fairly smoothly. The initial recovery went smoothly, although as I thought, it was impossible for me to keep up with my thesis work, and I did put off my graduation.
Now, four years later, it seems like we have littered those years with broken dreams. I have a degree, but still no job as an architect; he has made little progress in his desire to run a marathon.
Still, I think we are better off for it all. Those dreams may never come true, but we are infinitely adaptable in our dreams. The dream that has come true is that he is able to go about his day in less pain. His shoulders don't ache all the time, his back is not as constantly in spasm, and he has no more pain in that knee at all.
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